September Issue 107
www.thenewsyneighbour.com
Dear Kids,
Don't be alarmed;
the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about
30 minutes and will involve soap and water.
Yes, I know how to
swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm
water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for
science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use
cold water.)
Don't panic if I'm
not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water, and I'd
like to test the theory.
While I'm in the
tub, I'd like you to remember a few things:
The large slab of
wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that
even though you can't see me, I am on the other side. I'm not digging an escape
tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't
mean it. Honest.
There will be
plenty of time later to tell me about your day. "Later" means at a
time when I am no longer naked, wet and contemplating the bubble gum in the
blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. (Please let one of
them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add
gum to your hair...)
Believe it or not,
shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will not make
the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing
Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use
paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't
send him to school with telephone-number tattoos.
Water makes me wet,
not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of
"nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a
basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm choosing
not to answer you.
Don't call your dad
at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom.
No matter how much
I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and
why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't
go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom,
you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet
and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know
the dog does it. The neighbours don't feel the need to call me when the dog
does it.
Unless the house
catches fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked.
Do not go outside
and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in
the movies, but this is reality, a place where people don't like to sit in a
tub while rocks and broken glass rain down on them.
Do not set the
house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.
Emergencies are:
1. Dad has fallen off
the roof.
2. Your brother and/or
sister are bleeding.
3. There's a red fire
truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are
not:
1. Dad has fallen
asleep.
2. Someone on TV is
bleeding.
3. There's a red
pickup truck in front of our house.
By the way, all
Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.
Be good. Entertain
yourselves. (Yes, you can do both at the same time.)
Try colouring,
playing a game or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.
I'll be out soon.
Maybe.
Love, Mom
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