The Twelve Days of Christmas

by Suzanne Shaver


For no particular reason I was thinking about the “Twelve Days of Christmas” the other day, which led to thoughts of how annoying, impractical and genuinely ridiculous the gifts would be these days. Actually I suspect it wouldn’t even be a great set of gifts back in the day; that’s one goofy set of things to receive.


I once read a parody of the song, done in the form of thank you letters written to the true love, after each day’s gift was received. Gratitude starts wearing thin after the golden rings that are, quite frankly, the only reasonable gift of the lot. Something about excessive bird poop and noise, with the reference to a restraining order towards the end of the days, as I recall. Seemed like a reasonable response all things considered.


That train of thought also got me thinking about Bob and Doug Mackenzie’s version, which got me thinking about beer and touques, which that was a definite digression from the task at hand. Did I mention the actual task was writing an article?


So in the spirit of staying on task AND finding out useless trivia, I hit The Google, looking for a bit more information about the origins of the song. My research stopped at Wikipedia, because I’m fairly lazy when it comes to useless trivia, where I discovered the following bits of fact. Or fact according to Wikipedia, subject to my own interpretation; take them for what they are worth.

1) The song was first published in the late 1700’s with no music; it was performed as more of a chant. I’m sure it was ever so entertaining in that particular format.

2) The “standard” tune we use now is from 1909. After 100+ years it might be time for an update. Or new lyrics that don’t involve Ladies Dancing.

3) The twelve days are actually AFTER Christmas – starting either on Christmas Day or Boxing Day depending on something undefined by Wikipedia. Or that I skipped reading. But what that happy little fact means is the Twelve Days actually end around January 6. Given that most stores start hitting us with Christmas carols around November 1 that “extension” is really nothing short of torture.

4) If you actually gave someone everything listed each day, repeating all of the gifts daily and adding the next one, you’d be giving 364 items by the time you are done. That’s a whole lot of Maids a Milking.

5) Since 1984 someone calculates the “Christmas Price Index” representing the cost of providing all of these items. Someone has too much time on their hands.

6) In 2013 the total cost of the goods and services, assuming the people are hired and not purchased and also assuming you could FIND Lords a Leaping (Hello, Riverdance?) that were willing to be hired as a Christmas Gift, was about $27,000 US. I have no idea how they calculate the market value of Geese a Laying but I can only assume they are worth more than Geese Not a Laying.


Let’s face it. From a cost perspective alone these gifts are no longer practical. Plus there are an awful lot of bird themed gifts on it; how many birds can the average household support? Not to mention the
impractical nature, unless you live with a herd of dairy cattle, of Maids a Milking. I won’t even get into the annoyances of all those Drummers, Pipers and Lords a Leaping; my house is just not big enough for that kind of additional mayhem.


So without further ado or digression here are my suggestions for a more practical (mostly) Twelve Days of Christmas; made even more practical by the discovery they start after Christmas allowing most to be purchased at Boxing Week sales:


Day 1 – Partridge in a Pear Tree – Cartridge for my Laser Printer. Very practical, right?
Day 2 – Turtle Doves Turtlenecks - for those cold winter nights
Day 3 – French Hens French Toast – ‘cause I’m sick of Christmas food
Day 4 – Calling Birds Calling Cards - for those relatives that live far away
Day 5 – Golden Rings… uh… hmm… these can stay. Feel free to add diamonds.
Day 6 – Geese a Laying – Fleece for Laying. As in fleece sheets, get it? Okay these are starting to stretch my brain a bit…
Day 7 – Swans a Swimming – Prawns a Swimming. In hot, garlicky butter. Even better than French Toast.
Day 8 – Maids a Milking Maids a Cleaning – god knows my house would love this one
Day 9 – Ladies Dancing – Drinking. After all this Chrismassy mayhem we deserve a Ladies Night, don’t you think? Those turkey’s don’t cook themselves; don’t even get me started on the in-laws visit this year. It’s amazing I don’t need a visit to Betty Ford, quite frankly. Just pay for the Ladies Night already; it’ll be easier.
Day 10 – Lords a Leaping – Fords a Zooming. No, you don’t have to buy me a truck (unless you really want to…), just take all this garbage to the dump, would you? This two bag or “what fits in the bin” limit is killing me.
Day 11 – Pipers Piping – Wipers Wiping. Because that last snowstorm kind of wrecked my old wipers. Time for a new set.
Day 12 – Drummers Drumming. Dave GROHL?!!! You got me Dave GROHL??!!! WOW!!! You’re the best true love EVER!!!


See? Practical (mostly). It can be done. Although Dave Grohl might object a tiny bit.